i went outside
to dance for my Moon
there came a moment
when i realized ...
there's a whole sky up there
Rave CultureBorn out of ostracization
isolation, detachment, disillusion,
a deep curiosity and
a longing love
congregating in the dark places of cities
warehouses, and the outskirts
a culture unafraid of the night, at peace with the stars,
and willing to give it's body over to a beat
a mycelium underground
of beliefs held but not fully expressed till now
no signs to hold in public
a private rebellion
under the mask of celebration
highly alluring, nearly addicting
this new era
and legion of boom
finding it's inner flame
combusting into stars
a dancing galaxy
spinning a new dimension
a reality once only dreamed of, into being
Jivana's Memoirs: 80And so I traveled the world with Old Law. And I was treated like the royalty I had once, not so very long ago, wanted to earn to be.
Somehow he still had money stashed away. I didn't ask. I was just there for the end goal, I needed to find those guys. Whether I was on or off my path, I would be lying to say the journey was fun.
He took me everywhere and we sought parties wherever we went. I showed people the handshake that Zoe taught me.
I had no bracelets to give and so I gave myself. I gave hugs, time, conversation, or a moment to dance with. We were in underground tunnels in Prague, castles in Germany, churches in Romania, beaches in Goa and Thailand. The music was different and yet all the same. It made you want to dance. It made you dream. It made you bigger than yourself and connected to all who were around you. No matter what we were on or not, it was clear we were addicted to this scene more than anything else. It provided us with
Jivana's Memoirs: 79Serendipitously, Old Law was at the bar, drinking a beer and watching the sets when I wandered into the bar.
"You look like a changed woman".
I did not blush. I stood there shoulders back and down, away from my neck which was long.
Head slightly tucked, giving me more length through the spine. I stood there taller.
"Your eyes are sparkling" he said.
But I could see myself reflecting in him, and it intrigued me more. I sat down to engage and receive more stories. I had
plenty of my own but I wasn't sure I would be able to tell them for awhile. I was processing.
Old Law told me about the full moon party that had taken place a few nights back and how these events were going on
around the world. " This electronic music" he said "is everywhere. It's a global underground I hear. You know, I know
people in many places Jivana".
My thoughts kept going back to my friends. I knew I needed to get back to them. It's as if he could read my
Jivana's Memoirs: 78I came down the mountain a new woman. I had a tune I created in my head.
It was first my voice
"I am energy, it's all just energy"
and then it would be Le Tigre's
"Every thought, every word, every deed".
That was my entire song, my mantra on repeat, fueling my journey back to Old Law.
I thought about stopping by the tree house, but I decided that time had passed.
As I crested the point and beheld the view of La Salsa Brava, I took in the breath of that left breaking wave, and I could hear Le Tigre say to me,
"Do you understand Jivana?"
"I think so" I responded.
"Do you know what you need to do?"
Jivana's Memoirs: 77She became quite theatrical. At first it was through exaggerated stretches, and then she rose to become a ferocious walking tiger queen. “THIS” as she pointed to the fire. “Is your fire for your FEEEEEAAAAARRRRRS” she roared. “THIS” and she spun around 360 to present the fire to me with her hands “is where you THROW your FEARS IN TO THE F I R E!”
She danced around the fire howling and laughing maniacally. I could perceive the echoes bouncing off the walls of the cave. Then she hopped over the fire, coming to me nose to nose, softly growling “all of them”.
In that moment, I didn’t think anything was more frightful than her but then my perspective shifted and both from my being and yet all around, emanated a being and a wormhole. It would be the first time I would meet her, the multi-dimensional, Ethereal Hope, mother of the jungle, angel gua
Jivana's Memoirs: 76It was about 3 in the morning when she woke me.
“It’s not even the next day”
She had prepared a brew, crackling upon the fire still. Smoke seeping around the pot. She handed me a small cup of thick brown liquid. Surprisingly cool.
“Oh, that’s a different batch for later. I’m getting ahead of my work”.
She looked at my wincing face and said “You know, I think you need two”.
The brew was thick, and earthy. I wished I had a chaser, but I was given none. I nearly threw up on her my fear of her tattooed face held it back. I still had not quite gotten used to that yet. I could tell underneath she was beautiful. She was beautiful still, but I couldn’t help but keep thinking that she had done that on purpose, to cover her beauty, to make herself almost frightful, to make the tests harder.
“As you journey, I want you to also remember the sacrific
Jivana's Memoirs: 75She spoke to me, and mostly we breathed together. She said I needed to focus my mind.
“I cannot have you sleep yet. You will just dream. You have proven to me that you can direct your inner world but you need to hone that skill”. We stretched with yoga asanas and breathed for what seemed like many hours.
Finally as the waves began to cease to stillness she told me I could sleep.
“You will have more work to do tomorrow”.
“What did you learn today?”
The first thing I said was nearly a whisper "It's all connected".
"There is a vastness, a timelessness, and a smallness all of seem to be at once. This world is wondrous, this universe is wondrous ... and I can't shake the sense that at the center of being there is a star." And then I stood up, danced, and spun in circles "I am not sure if I am light or if I am sound".
And she let me go to sleep.
“That light” I said as I drift
Jivana's Memoirs: 74Instead of analyzing I had decided I was just looking. I was just looking at information stored. It was not for to feel incited by one way or another. I needed to breathe, and witness, observe, and learn in a non-judemental format. After-all, I was clearly under the influence and what was real versus not real was perhaps just another lesson.
After some flashes I started to feel like I was one with the tree so much so that I had become it’s roots, and what normally would have frightened me became a task of strange joy as I rotted away on behalf of the insects and in communion with my tree. But like a mother, realizing her child was somewhat astray, I heard Lakota call to me and try to get me on some sort of track. She could feel me or see me and she was there to guide and steer.
“Jivana, open your hand”
I opened my hand and immediately feel the hot of the sun penetrating my skin and the crystal. With my eyes still closed, it’s
Jivana's Memoirs: 73“Think of this like a small computer. It was owned by your mother but she gave it to you to explore and to use. When you have received the information, you will need to wipe it clean so that you can make it into your computer, your tool. Otherwise you will not be able to give it it’s full power”.
She had positioned me upon a natural forming rock bed in the cliff where a tree shaded me from above. When I first closed my eyes, I saw mostly patterns. It was somewhat reminiscent, yet more vivid, than the tunnel I had seen before. A swirling pattern of golden light and violet light and then to black and white.
I wasn’t sure what to do but then I heard that voice. Not Lakota’s, and not mine yet someone mine. It said “Ask”.
So I asked to for permission to access the computer. I asked permission from the crystal. I asked permission from my mother, and I asked permission of the one who raised me.
In a Moment of Clarity
Under the two way mirror below each layer of the faded paint of a coffin, lied the liar laying alone and undead. Laughing in amnesia's grasp at his own reflection upon seeing himself through crazed eyes.
I know the story that is told for the doomed soul, and how short it is will remind you of condemnations meaning. A guinea pig by his own curiosity laid flat in useless soils, his was a cliche tale of woe and an ending without twists.
A turn for the worst will come with the lights switched on and the glass broken, and his first steps will be into a world without law or regulation, yet a prison all the same where the guards are inmates and the Warden was once near flawless.
A hooded figure had come sporting typical black for the cliche fool as told in countless fables, and delivered unto Hell an unrepentant sinner for whom God had wept just like the innumerable before him. The fool will weep from now on.
Biographies for these characters are fables tattooed on the golden calf upon which t
IlluminatedLight from within and light from without,
Mingling in a dancing prism,
Reflecting gold, red, blue,
Reuniting orange, purple, green,
Again to become a single beam,
The Space Between DreamsI walk between the land
of gods and monsters
searching the space
between light and shadow
for a familiar face.
Every angel wears the
face of a demon
because Good and Evil
is all an illusion,
we all dream our own
Prostate before the tree of life
here the Holy Grail waits,
Odin's own drinking cup,
this is where the seed
of knowledge begins.
The shaman knows
death and life are only
shades fading in and out
along the spiral which they
first dreamed into existence,
the place where all endings
and beginnings meet as one.
The Anarchist SermonI like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.
What fruit is left on Sunday morning?
Days have past since the last idea
to hear the pitch of life saw light.
The children pawn their sinew off
on unexamined vessels.
We gather up our thirsty voices
and watch as they are driven off
into the moorings of our hovel.
If I would teach them nothing more;
“savor this, these delicate miles”
until we sit along the pews
and stare into the quietus.
Retrograde LullabyeA slow fall
back into the primordial ooze
happiness and sadness are equally elusive
The human condition does not allow one
without the other
After a time, we cannot but help
turn tragedy into comfort
and angst into homecoming
for nature does not decree this
only we, as we heed the call of the ooze
Restless are we who sense the slide of time
Thought cannot save us
We must embrace eternity in the briefest of moments
and ride scarecely coffined into the ooze
Five nights in hell Night 1I wish not to say what I seen
A child’s heaven has turned
to a living hell.
night that your mind wonders,
you have no idea what
you got into
but as the night gose on,
they will kill you.
they are going easy.
but don’t let you geard down
don’t let them get you!
you wont see the day again!
You made it.
but there are still things to do.