i went outside
to dance for my Moon
there came a moment
when i realized ...
there's a whole sky up there
Rave CultureBorn out of ostracization
isolation, detachment, disillusion,
a deep curiosity and
a longing love
congregating in the dark places of cities
warehouses, and the outskirts
a culture unafraid of the night, at peace with the stars,
and willing to give it's body over to a beat
a mycelium underground
of beliefs held but not fully expressed till now
no signs to hold in public
a private rebellion
under the mask of celebration
highly alluring, nearly addicting
this new era
and legion of boom
finding it's inner flame
combusting into stars
a dancing galaxy
spinning a new dimension
a reality once only dreamed of, into being
Jivana's Memoirs: 80And so I traveled the world with Old Law. And I was treated like the royalty I had once, not so very long ago, wanted to earn to be.
Somehow he still had money stashed away. I didn't ask. I was just there for the end goal, I needed to find those guys. Whether I was on or off my path, I would be lying to say the journey was fun.
He took me everywhere and we sought parties wherever we went. I showed people the handshake that Zoe taught me.
I had no bracelets to give and so I gave myself. I gave hugs, time, conversation, or a moment to dance with. We were in underground tunnels in Prague, castles in Germany, churches in Romania, beaches in Goa and Thailand. The music was different and yet all the same. It made you want to dance. It made you dream. It made you bigger than yourself and connected to all who were around you. No matter what we were on or not, it was clear we were addicted to this scene more than anything else. It provided us with
Jivana's Memoirs: 79Serendipitously, Old Law was at the bar, drinking a beer and watching the sets when I wandered into the bar.
"You look like a changed woman".
I did not blush. I stood there shoulders back and down, away from my neck which was long.
Head slightly tucked, giving me more length through the spine. I stood there taller.
"Your eyes are sparkling" he said.
But I could see myself reflecting in him, and it intrigued me more. I sat down to engage and receive more stories. I had
plenty of my own but I wasn't sure I would be able to tell them for awhile. I was processing.
Old Law told me about the full moon party that had taken place a few nights back and how these events were going on
around the world. " This electronic music" he said "is everywhere. It's a global underground I hear. You know, I know
people in many places Jivana".
My thoughts kept going back to my friends. I knew I needed to get back to them. It's as if he could read my
Jivana's Memoirs: 78I came down the mountain a new woman. I had a tune I created in my head.
It was first my voice
"I am energy, it's all just energy"
and then it would be Le Tigre's
"Every thought, every word, every deed".
That was my entire song, my mantra on repeat, fueling my journey back to Old Law.
I thought about stopping by the tree house, but I decided that time had passed.
As I crested the point and beheld the view of La Salsa Brava, I took in the breath of that left breaking wave, and I could hear Le Tigre say to me,
"Do you understand Jivana?"
"I think so" I responded.
"Do you know what you need to do?"
Jivana's Memoirs: 77She became quite theatrical. At first it was through exaggerated stretches, and then she rose to become a ferocious walking tiger queen. “THIS” as she pointed to the fire. “Is your fire for your FEEEEEAAAAARRRRRS” she roared. “THIS” and she spun around 360 to present the fire to me with her hands “is where you THROW your FEARS IN TO THE F I R E!”
She danced around the fire howling and laughing maniacally. I could perceive the echoes bouncing off the walls of the cave. Then she hopped over the fire, coming to me nose to nose, softly growling “all of them”.
In that moment, I didn’t think anything was more frightful than her but then my perspective shifted and both from my being and yet all around, emanated a being and a wormhole. It would be the first time I would meet her, the multi-dimensional, Ethereal Hope, mother of the jungle, angel gua
Jivana's Memoirs: 76It was about 3 in the morning when she woke me.
“It’s not even the next day”
She had prepared a brew, crackling upon the fire still. Smoke seeping around the pot. She handed me a small cup of thick brown liquid. Surprisingly cool.
“Oh, that’s a different batch for later. I’m getting ahead of my work”.
She looked at my wincing face and said “You know, I think you need two”.
The brew was thick, and earthy. I wished I had a chaser, but I was given none. I nearly threw up on her my fear of her tattooed face held it back. I still had not quite gotten used to that yet. I could tell underneath she was beautiful. She was beautiful still, but I couldn’t help but keep thinking that she had done that on purpose, to cover her beauty, to make herself almost frightful, to make the tests harder.
“As you journey, I want you to also remember the sacrific
Jivana's Memoirs: 75She spoke to me, and mostly we breathed together. She said I needed to focus my mind.
“I cannot have you sleep yet. You will just dream. You have proven to me that you can direct your inner world but you need to hone that skill”. We stretched with yoga asanas and breathed for what seemed like many hours.
Finally as the waves began to cease to stillness she told me I could sleep.
“You will have more work to do tomorrow”.
“What did you learn today?”
The first thing I said was nearly a whisper "It's all connected".
"There is a vastness, a timelessness, and a smallness all of seem to be at once. This world is wondrous, this universe is wondrous ... and I can't shake the sense that at the center of being there is a star." And then I stood up, danced, and spun in circles "I am not sure if I am light or if I am sound".
And she let me go to sleep.
“That light” I said as I drift
Jivana's Memoirs: 74Instead of analyzing I had decided I was just looking. I was just looking at information stored. It was not for to feel incited by one way or another. I needed to breathe, and witness, observe, and learn in a non-judemental format. After-all, I was clearly under the influence and what was real versus not real was perhaps just another lesson.
After some flashes I started to feel like I was one with the tree so much so that I had become it’s roots, and what normally would have frightened me became a task of strange joy as I rotted away on behalf of the insects and in communion with my tree. But like a mother, realizing her child was somewhat astray, I heard Lakota call to me and try to get me on some sort of track. She could feel me or see me and she was there to guide and steer.
“Jivana, open your hand”
I opened my hand and immediately feel the hot of the sun penetrating my skin and the crystal. With my eyes still closed, it’s
Jivana's Memoirs: 73“Think of this like a small computer. It was owned by your mother but she gave it to you to explore and to use. When you have received the information, you will need to wipe it clean so that you can make it into your computer, your tool. Otherwise you will not be able to give it it’s full power”.
She had positioned me upon a natural forming rock bed in the cliff where a tree shaded me from above. When I first closed my eyes, I saw mostly patterns. It was somewhat reminiscent, yet more vivid, than the tunnel I had seen before. A swirling pattern of golden light and violet light and then to black and white.
I wasn’t sure what to do but then I heard that voice. Not Lakota’s, and not mine yet someone mine. It said “Ask”.
So I asked to for permission to access the computer. I asked permission from the crystal. I asked permission from my mother, and I asked permission of the one who raised me.
The Space Between DreamsI walk between the land
of gods and monsters
searching the space
between light and shadow
for a familiar face.
Every angel wears the
face of a demon
because Good and Evil
is all an illusion,
we all dream our own
Prostrate before the tree of life
here the Holy Grail waits,
Odin's own drinking cup,
this is where the seed
of knowledge begins.
The shaman knows
death and life are only
shades fading in and out
along the spiral which they
first dreamed into existence,
the place where all endings
and beginnings meet as one.
Wake in VegasIf I could drink you from the sky tonight
I would -
drink the brown bourbon blackness
with stars for ice -
as the moonlit-salty neon line
separates the land
from the lonely battered void.
I'll raise a glass to the sky tonight
while the neon splits and the world crashes through
like a broken neck
see me praying you were here - through tumbleweed canyons
through all the static porno waves
that crowd the space between us,
and in swollen spite
watch me clean my bony drunken theatre
of all your hungry, truant atoms.
Fear ebbs - a sober starlight wakes me
cold - inside paltry sobs
I gather you like kindling from the ground - tossed polaroids
in the wind
stack you upon your pedestal
with you watching down
through all this madness
through the bleached love/guilt curtains
like an angel.
Watch me drink to you in the sky tonight
with me still caught in this thickening land
like a quantum boxed-in slave,
like Schroder’s cat, like I might be alive
but I might be dea
The Anarchist SermonI like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.
What fruit is left on Sunday morning?
Days have past since the last idea
to hear the pitch of life saw light.
The children pawn their sinew off
on unexamined vessels.
We gather up our thirsty voices
and watch as they are driven off
into the moorings of our hovel.
If I would teach them nothing more;
“savor this, these delicate miles”
until we sit along the pews
and stare into the quietus.
Pandora's CrackI breathed in a little dose(s)
of caster sugar and cocoa dust
before I leaped
I dove in ear-deep
to castrate this soured identity
"Who I am"
will no longer associate itself
"was" and "had been"
The rust that ran through my shackle
could not wear my ankle bones
nor the wings tucked in between
I licked off my salt-covered wounds
-all that once burned me, cured you
I will be my own
salve and salvation
This time I
the moons of mighty Neptune
Congenial LoveSomething resounds in me,
In my silence,
Infinity here and now.
It is you
Who is in me.
When I think of you,
When I feel yourself as mine,
Then I enter another world,
Where absolute silence prevails.
There, everything is different.
Is a gift.
It is inexplicable,
I feel this perfect silence in me
That seems to be everything.
And time and space become
Needs no words
It is beyond
Space and time.
From the significance of
Safety and certainty
Springs inner peace.
Is everlasting happiness.
Of you –
Given up for lost –
Dawns slowly up
In my silence.
seraphs and sinsyou can see that
this is a give-and-take warzone,
but somehow, we made it
a give-or-devour domain
and i'd tell you you were
beautiful in every language
known to humankind
if i could,
but there is no such word in your
book, only lists for
ranks of each side:
angel or demon,
succubus or cambion,
creators or destroyers,
weakness and strength,
the broken and the never-been-broken
the sad and the exulting
god forbid you ever decide
that keeping me
around was worth the fight
'cause if you wanted me,
there would have
been a word for love in that
you never untie from your cloak
(funnily enough, there was
never any mention of my race
in that little red book of yours)